On Anger

There are days like today when what I feel more than anything is anger. Allowing anger to motivate—indeed, control—my thoughts and actions goes against what I speak about and hope to achieve within myself. This shortfall, in itself, is enervating for me; I get mad about being mad.

I grow defensive and rigid. I brace myself against anticipated assaults. I steel my gaze, my mouth draws tight, and my heart hardens.

I recognize that on whatever level, I’ve chosen to be angered by the telemarketer, the man at the gym who’s hogging the machine I want to use, the woman in traffic who is talking on her cell phone and, in her inattention, doesn’t allow me to turn. It’s my choice to let the dog’s yapping irritate me, to get riled at the preening politician or preacher on TV who’s claiming things that aren’t true.

I look at people and rather than seeing each as a child of God, I dehumanize them, viewing them as a series of threats and inconveniences. Yesterday, I tweeted a quote from Buddha – “You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.” While I hope this advice is useful to others, in this instance it was directed at myself. Setting up the world such that everyone and everything I encounter is a threat is the worst punishment I could levy. It’s like signing up to be a victim of terrorism where I am the terrorist!

I'm convinced that many of us deal with this on an ongoing basis. We wake each morning and prepare ourselves for battle, never mind whether it's necessary or even useful on a given day. We’re armed to the teeth and ready to fight.

As I sit here, in this condition, I'm aware that it’s quite literally eating me alive. So I take a few breaths. That helps. I get up and close the door to the room so I am alone. This, too, helps. My terrier Susie comes and sits by me, close enough that we share warmth, but leaving me my autonomy. I feel a little heart-swell of gratitude toward her, the beginnings of what I want to feel more generally.

We know meditation helps us de-escalate. We know prayer (meditation’s more assertive cousin?) is useful as well. But I have a damned hard time getting myself to sit down and do either. Fury is so much quicker, and it’s seductive. It tells me I’m at odds with the world, that I’m right and the world is wrong. But this is a lie. I’m merely shadow-boxing. And the sooner I can get that through my thick head, the more solidly I’ll be back on the path I wish to travel.

Step one for me? Don’t simply create the sort quiet space I just described. The key is to quit fighting the anger. Simply let it be. The anger will melt as it loses its relevance.

Wow. Hard work.

Can Obama win again in 2012?

A current CNN poll suggests that if the election were held today, Obama would beat a challenge from Sarah Palin, but would face stiff competition from former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee.

My questions is what must Obama do in the next two years to secure a second term -- Compromise with GOP on taxes and cuts? Hardline on social issues? Make good on his 2008 promises to the LGBT community? Address immigration reform head-on?

I'll tell you what I think later. For the moment, you tell me what Mr. Obama should to do lock in a second term.

On Nat'l Coming Out Day, Oklahoma Conservative PAC leader calls me "a confused 'thing'."

I woke to a couple of voicemails this morning letting me know I, along with LGBT people everywhere, were maligned yesterday in a blog post by Charlie Meadow, the head of Oklahoma's Conservative PAC (OCPAC.) You can read Mr. Meadow's blog here.

I've been working to help elect Brittany Novotny to Oklahoma House District 84. This came after I became aware of the rhetoric of her opponent, social conservative Sally Kern, who galvanized the nation's LGBT community in 2008 by calling gays the biggest threat to America today, bigger than terrorism.

In his blog, Mr. Meadow speculates that the anti-Kern ad my company made is in violation of Oklahoma's election laws (it's not) and calls me and Novotny's supporters "a confused bunch of 'things'" and insists on referring to Ms. Novotny, who is a transgender woman, as "he."

Ironically, Mr. Meadow posted his inflammatory blog on National Coming Out Day.

I took a couple of deep breaths before drafting this response:

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October 13, 2010

Charlie Meadow
Oklahoma Conservative PAC

Oklahoma City, OK

via email

Dear Mr. Meadow,

After reading your most recent blog post, I must thank you for your flattering words on the production values of the TV spot SALLY IGNORES SENIORS. Despite other things you said in this post, the compliment was a day brightener.

I’m especially flattered that you would think the spot cost in excess of $5,000 to create. Actually, with union voice-over, licensing of images and a couple of film clips, the spot cost Three Things Media $1,635. Add the ad buy and we still came in under $5k. You may sleep better tonight knowing your worries about a violation of Oklahoma election law are moot. (I’ll be happy to provide line-item open books on all expenditures, to you or anyone, after the Nov 2nd election.)

You are also correct on an important point--the spot was created, produced, and is airing completely independent of Ms. Novotny’s campaign. This is about Sally Kern and her long record of putting anti-gay politics over the needs of her constituents and local business.

That said, I must object to your continuing to disparage–indeed dehumanize–gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people. It’s ironic that in the same posting where you voice displeasure at a political ad, you don’t seem aware of the implications of your own speech. You’re not conjecturing in a public forum (where it’s fair game) about an elected politician’s record, you’re maligning a whole class of Americans.

This comes at a time when media attention is focused on the tragedy of suicide among young LGBTs, and increased awareness of how bullying and speech such as yours can help push vulnerable young people to the brink.

While I live in California now, I spent plenty of time in Oklahoma City as a kid. My family is from Oklahoma. My parents met at Phillips University in Enid. They went on to be schoolteacher missionaries, representing a variety of Oklahoma Disciples of Christ congregations. I wrote a book on the subject.

And sir, the way you talk about others is not how decent Oklahomans talk.

You have a history of tone-deaf remarks. Mrs. Kern recognized this and censured you on her website after you labeled Ms. Novotny "a confused it.” Now you’ve put Sally in that unenviable position of apologist again. As much as I disagree with Sally’s politics, it’s not fair for you to burden her with your hyperbolic excesses.

Furthermore, we gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgenders – in Warr Acres as in West Hollywood, in Bethany as in Bethlehem, PA -- are not a confused bunch of its (or things.) We’re human beings, sir.

And, in fact, we’re not confused; we’re clear on where we stand. It turns out a person gets to know his or herself quite well after being repeatedly spat upon and having the stuffing kicked out of ‘em, be it literally or figuratively.

The confused one is you. You seem to have a tough time wrapping your head around Ms. Novotny’s gender, and you take glee in heralding this ignorance to those who will listen.

In your post, you ask, “How can this confused bunch of ‘things’ know what Sally did or did not do?”

The answer is the Internet, sir. Via the Internet, one can read nearly every article ever written about a legislator, examine their voting record, and see many of their speeches. That’s how it works in 2010. Yesterday, for instance, I watched a (actually fascinating) City Council Meeting in Norman where social issues were being discussed. Charlie, if you need assistance getting up to speed on how to use the Internet for research, someone at OCPAC can help you. Hell, I’ll give a few pointers if it’ll bring you on board with the rest of us.

I regret that I will not be able to attend your OCPAC lunch this Wednesday. I would love to be able to present these concerns to you in person, man to man. More than anything, I’d like to know if you could look me in the eye – as a fellow child of God, practicing Christian, and philanthropist – and call me a “thing” face to face, continuing to deny my humanity along with the humanity of others who may not lead their lives in precisely as you do.

Sincerely,

Ben Patrick Johnson

Executive Director, The Ben Patrick Johnson Foundation
Board Member, Equality California Institute

Sally Kern Ignores Seniors

SALLY KERN (R-OK) is one of the most notoriously antigay politicians in America today. She's up for reelection on Nov 2nd. I say 'no' and encourage Oklahomans to do the same. To that end, I created and produced the following TV commercial. It runs starting next week on FOX NEWS and CNN in Oklahoma City.

Since being elected, Sally has neglected Oklahomans in favor of her own narrow/radical social agenda. Maligned in local and national press for her embrace of extremist views which have scared away business, Kern is being challenged in District 84 by pro-business, pro-seniors transgender attorney Brittany Novotny.

IT GETS BETTER Project

There has been much reporting recently about gay teen suicides following taunting or abuse. Whether there's a sudden uptick in incidents or whether a heightened sensitivity to the subject matter has caused news outlets to run more stories is a matter for discussion. But many of us in America, and perhaps most surprisingly in the gay community, are seeing the magnitude of this problem for the first time. Some of us have been struggling with how to respond. Journalist Dan Savage came up with an idea. It's fantastic, even if it's just a jumping-off point. He calls it the IT GETS BETTER Campaign.

He's encouraged adult lesbians, gay, bisexuals and transgenders to post videos on YouTube talking directly to LGBT teens, especially those who feel trapped in bad situations. Dan asked us to talk to the teens about the various traumas around being gay we faced growing up, and how we now have rich adult lives.

Here's my contribution:

To vist the IT GETS BETTER Project YouTube page, click here: youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject

Trans Friends -- What Shall We Call You?

I got blasted by a series of people on Twitter in @ responses and DMs recently for using the term "homophobic" when "transphobic" would have been more accurate. The concern expressed was in regard to visibility and being "disappeared."

It brought up a question on labels and identity. As an LGBT activist, I want to use language that dignifies all the members of our rainbow. So ... how to you like to be referenced? Transgender? Transgendered? Transsexual? I've been present as Ashley Love and others trans activists have spoken publicly against the term "tranny" for its potentially demeaning associations. But what are other hot button no-no's, and what do you prefer?

I understand that different people have different experiences, backgrounds, and physical states, so there won't be one single, definitive answer. But please help me and other ignorant/well-intentioned allies at least use terms that dignify you. I invite all *polite* weigh-ins.

It's one thing to not endorse gay marriage. It's quite another for bishops to spend donated money in an unabashed political effort to take away civil rights vs. feeding and clothing the poor and seeing to the practical and spiritual needs of Minnesota Catholics.

Perhaps most egregious is the video using factual falsehoods and deception to make its point vs. keeping its references contained to actual Catholic doctrine on which the bishops have reasonable authority to comment.

Tuesday's Minneapolis Star-Tribune shares news of the church's disappointing foray into civil politics:

Catholics to get DVDs opposing gay marriage

Critics say the mailing, from state bishops, is aimed at November voters.

By MARY JANE SMETANKA, Star Tribune

More than 400,000 DVDs are being mailed to the homes of Minnesota Catholics on Wednesday, courtesy of Catholic bishops in the state who want to stop the campaign to legalize same-sex marriage in its tracks.

The 18-minute DVD includes an appearance from St. Paul and Minneapolis Archbishop John Nienstedt in which he says it is time for Minnesotans -- not the "ruling elite" of legislators and judges -- to vote on a constitutional amendment defining marriage as between one man and one woman. Thirty-one states have passed such an amendment.

"It is the people themselves and not politicians or judges who should make this decision," Nienstedt says on the DVD. "This is the only way to put the one man, one woman definition of marriage beyond the reach of the courts and politicians."

Gay advocates who have worked to change the Catholic Church's stand on same-sex marriage said that coming six weeks before the November general election, the DVD distribution is aimed squarely at voters.

"It's an effort to have Catholics vote the way the bishops want them to vote, but by and large Catholic voters are well-educated and they are independent-minded," said Brian McNeill, president of Dignity Twin Cities. The group for gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgender people works to change what it calls the "antiquated sexual theology" of the church. "We would like to talk to the archbishop about it, but he won't talk to us," McNeill said.

Michael Bayly, executive coordinator of the Twin Cities-based Catholic Pastoral Committee on Sexual Minorities, said that because gubernatorial candidates Mark Dayton of the DFL and Tom Horner of the Independence Party support same-sex marriage, the chances are great that Minnesota could have a governor who supports what Bayly calls "marriage equality." He called the DVD "almost a last-ditch effort to try and influence Catholics to turn the election to ensure that doesn't happen."

"It would be really tragic if that succeeded, but I don't think they will," Bayly said.

The "educational packet" produced by the Minnesota Catholic Conference, which represents bishops covering the state, includes the DVD and an introductory letter from each local bishop. The video includes Nienstedt's six-minute appearance and a 12-minute video produced by the Knights of Columbus, a Catholic fraternal organization, warning of the damage that same-sex marriage will do to families, especially children.

The Knights of Columbus video includes appearances by a civil rights advocate who quotes the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. and a Princeton University professor who says that the well-being of kids is threatened when they don't grow up in a traditional family. The video warns that if same-sex marriage becomes the law, public schools would teach that same-sex marriage is OK regardless of what parents think and that the religious liberty of Catholics and others would be threatened. It says that people who oppose same-sex marriage would be seen as bigots who could be prosecuted and that the accreditation of parochial schools and tax-exempt status of those schools and churches would be threatened.

Similar DVDs have been sent out in other states, including California and Maine, said Dennis McGrath, spokesman for the Archdiocese of St. Paul and Minneapolis. He said it was his understanding that the bishops jointly decided to send out the packets here.

"I think they felt the situation had gotten to the point that they had to do something," McGrath said. "They couldn't stand by and let this thing go any further. The same-sex marriage train was chugging ahead."

State Sen. John Marty, a Roseville DFLer who has authored proposals to make Minnesota's marriage laws gender-neutral, said Tuesday that he will renew those efforts if he wins reelection this fall. He said the bishops are free to express their opinions but that he believes that shifting public attitudes about same-sex marriage and gay rights have moved Minnesotans past the debate the bishops seem to want to create.

"I think the constitutional amendment push died about four or five years ago," Marty said. "Even the strongest proponents realize that it's time has passed, and it's not going to happen. Times are changing."

The church mailings were paid for with a private donation, McGrath said.

Mary Jane Smetanka • 612-673-7380

Link to the original story on startribune.com -- http://www.startribune.com/lifestyle/faith/103494984.html?page=1&c=y